funny jokes thread

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supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
15:43 Thu 9 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
post all ur jokes here.
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
15:45 Thu 9 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
15:45 Thu 9 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Deleted User
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15:48 Thu 9 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
LMFAO your too funny super
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
09:40 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
11:38 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
raiden
raiden
Posts: 1,556
11:39 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
The thread's called "funny jokes thread".
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
12:24 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
Deleted User
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12:50 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
those are funny raiden
Deleted User
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12:55 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
i thought raidens comment was funnier than the jokes
Deleted User
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13:24 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
A man called Dave was sitting at his house one evening when his phone rang. It was his mate, Phil, who had been at the pub.

Phil: Yo Dave, I need ur help. I met this fit woman tonight and got her drunk as hell.... Then we went out to the car so we could have peace and quiet.... But my wife's just rang me, and I've gotta go home. Can u take over for me?

Dave: Yeah alright, got nothing else to do.... Be right there.

After 5 minutes Dave reaches the car and goes in. It is too dark and he can only see the shape of the woman. The two start making love.....

Soon a policeman opens the door and shines his torch in.

Dave: Do you mind? I'm busy making love to my wife!

Policeman: Oh, sorry mate, I didn't realise she was your wife.

Dave: Neither did I 'till you shone your bloody torch.....

Edited at 18:56 Fri 10/06/05 (BST)
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
15:03 Fri 10 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Deleted User
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03:54 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
That jokes awful! lol
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
06:56 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
07:17 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
Reason's why it's great to be a woman


Free drinks.


Free dinners.


Free movies.


Speeding ticket? What's that?


New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.


If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.


If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.


You can sleep your way to the top.


You can sue the President for sexual harassment.


It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.


No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.


Brad Pitt.
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
07:17 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
You can quickly end any fight by crying.


Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.


There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
07:18 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
You've never had a goatee.


You'll never regret piercing your ears.


You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.


You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.


You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
13:20 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
A blind man vists the state of Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Deleted User
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13:36 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
lol, there funny
supermega
supermega
Posts: 3,468
13:40 Sun 12 Jun 05 (BST)  [Link]  
Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood


10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
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