two astronauts land on the purple purple planet, and some purple purple delegates arrive on the purple purple scene to give them a purple purple welcome. the purple purple delegates ask the non-purple purple astronauts for their purple purple permits.

"why do we need purple purple permits" says one of the non-purple purple astronauts
"without a purple purple permit," explained one of the purple purple delegates, "you arent allowed to land on the purple purple planet"

the non-purple purple astronauts did not have purple purple permits, so they could not land on the purple purple planet, and the purple purple delegates had to call the purple purple police. the purple purple police arrived in their purple purple police car, sounding their purple purple siren as they arrived on the purple purple scene.

"you are under purple purple arrest for landing on the purple purple planet without a purple purple permit. you have the purple purple right to remain silent..." the purple purple police officer went on

they came before the purple purple courts, and the purple purple jury found them guilty of landing on the purple purple planet without a purple purple permit, and the purple purple judge sentenced them to a purple purple lifetime in a purple purple prison

they were taken to the purple purple prison and the purple purple prison guard said...

"indigo"

can you see any nouns i didnt put purple purple before?

so theres this zookeeper, and hes new. he gets asked to clean out the finches and feed them, so he gets the cleaning equipment and the food and puts it all in a big trolley type thing which he wheels behind him to the finches. anyway this old cart thing is rickety, and as it turns out, the cleaning fluid mixes with the food and after cleaning them and giving them the food he goes on to his next job, the same service for the chimpanzees, and again after cleaning them and feeding them he goes on to do the same at the beehives.

on his way back he notices the finches are all dead, and thinks oh my god, the head zookeepers going to kill me, realising that it was all his fault, and decides to grab all the finches shove them on the now empty cart and try and run to the chimps and bees before the head zookeeper notices. he piles all the chimps in, but when he gets to the bees he realises theres no room, so he squishes all the bees up and puts them on top of all the other carcasses and runs off wondering how he can get rid of the evidence...

so anyway the next day theres this new lion being brought into the lion keep. he asks one of the other lions what its like here and gets the usual reply, y'know its alright best that can be expected after all it is captivity. so he asks what the foods like here...

"not bad, yesterday we had finch and chimps and mushy bees!"

lol the purple purple one was good, not too sure about that one tho...

theyre not really mine but theyre just some of the worst jokes ever, ive got one more but ill type it up later

there was a bus conductor and he was at work, and the bus picked up a mother with a screaming baby, and it was screaming and screaming, and he tried to shush it to sleep and it wouldnt, so he told the mother to try and calm it down but she couldnt and it got so bad that he eventually grabbed the baby at the next stop rushed outside and brutally smashed its body through a phone box.

he gets arrested and the judge (this is in america) sentences him to death. hes on the electric chair, and the executioner asks for a last request, and he asks for a foot long banana, the kind that are ripe but green at the same time. the executioner thinks it an odd request but they eventually find one and give him the banana, which he eats slowly and then puts its skin on his right knee. the executioner throws the switch and nothing happens, and again and nothing, one last time and nothing again. so he phones the president and says "what shall i do?" and the president says "let him go but say he must never do it again"

anyway so he gets his job back, and hes at work when the bus picks up a little old lady who gives him too little money, so he tells her this and she says "who?" so he says a little louder "I need more money" and she says "i'm sorry youll have to speak up im a little deaf" and he shouts it at her, and she says "thanks i got it in a sale" and moves towards an available seat, but the fuming conductor stops her throws her off at the next stop and then throws her into a speeding car with a sickening crunch

again the judge sentences him to death. again he asks for a foot long, green but ripe banana. again when the chair is switched on nothing happens. again the executioner rings the president. this time the response is "let him go, but tell him he must never ever do it again"

this time as the executioner is letting him go he asks "so whats your secret? how did you survive the electric chair? was it the banana?"

"no. im just a bad conductor."

far to tired to read them

that was terrible

wow that's enough material to last me the weekend with my tradition of bad jokes they'll go down a storm. But I screwed if I'm gonna tell the purple purple one right after a few wife beaters.

yeah its actually funnier under the influence