Ok Folks,
I want your best jokes or quotes posting on this thread. Lets not forget how to laugh!

1. Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them "its illegal to put five people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the car" the Englishman snaps "look at the papers, says the car is designed to carry five people" "You can't pull that one on me" Paddy replies "Quattro means four so your breaking the law" The Englishman replies "you idiot call your supervisor I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "sorry" says Paddy "Murphy is busy with two guys in an Fiat Uno"

2. A man is lost in a hot air balloon somewhere over Ireland, he looks down to see a farmer and shouts to him "Excuse me? But where am I?" the Irish farmer shouts back "you can't fool me! Your in that basket"

3. This is a story about 4 people named: everyone, someone, Anyone and No-one. One day, there was a job that needed doing, and someone was asked to do it, Everyone was sure Someone would do it, but No-one did it. Everyone got angry because it was Someones job. No-one realised that Anyone could have done it. It ended up with Everyone blaming Someone and No-one doing what Anyone could have done.

4. "Mr Clarke , I have examined this case very carefully," the divorce judge said " and I have decided to give your wife £500 a week," "that's very fair your honour" the husband said "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself"

5. Old Patrick died, and wanted to be buried at sea, so his mates Paddy and Murphy got a rowing boat and put the coffin in it and rowed out about a mile out 2 sea, Paddy said,"I wonder if this is far enough"? so Murphy jumped over the side, and disappeared. after several minutes, Murphy came up and said," Yes, this is deep enough. pass me the shovel."

6. Rory McIIroy drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.
Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top o the mornin to ya sir!"
Rory nods & bends down to pick up the petrol nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What are those?" asks Paddy.
"They're called tees. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving."
"My Word!" says Paddy "BMW think of everything!"

7. Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "Rotter!" The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "you damm rotter!" The judge having enough, looks at the man and says "sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say, say it now". The man gets up and says "for 15 years I lived next door to that nutter and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one!?

Edited at 20:09 Sat 26/11/11 (GMT)

Would be better if you edited your post, rather than reposting each time

Some little gems in there! will be telling a few to my friends

Thanks. How you mean edited?

The feature on the top line of your post beside quote that says "Edit" in square brackets.

Click the Edit link at the top right of your post

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said "I'm sick of you believing you're a transformer. I've had enough, I'm leaving you!"
I said "but baby i can change"
She said "see! there you go again!"

lol, there we go! your the first,
very funny

i dont like the edit thing? doesnt go to the bottom of thread? will stick to reposting me thinks

*A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said: ''We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath tub'' The visitor said "Oh, i see, the normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest". The director said ''NO! A normal person would pull the damn plug out. Now, would you like a bed by the window..''

*A murderer, sitting in an electric chair was about to be executed.
''Have you any last requests?'' asked the chaplain
''Yes,'' replied the murderer. ''will you hold my hand''

Edited at 20:31 Sat 26/11/11 (GMT)

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a ahem!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

pmsl........ brilliant captainking

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.Poor bloke must have wondered what the was going on?

looooooooooooollll!!!!