hahahahhaha yes petey

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Haha

I asked my girlfriend earlier what she would most like for her birthday, she smiled, put her hand out and twinkled her fingers to me...........


Gloves it is then!

haha yes peteyyy

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

Lol

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it"."I don't know what you mean. Sit down luv and let's talk about it".That's when I pulled her chair away.

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her you know what.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge!

haha petey nice

My ex girlfriend got in touch with me this morning,

She said, "Do you fancy meeting up tomorrow and giving it another crack?"

I said, "Yeah...I'de love to"

:O hahahaha

I went down to Wimbledon last week.

Ran into this young bloke - he said he was a ballboy.

More of a leg man myself.

justsumgirl

Why Men Shouldnt Be Agony Aunts

Dear Jim,i left for work last week and after a mile my car stalled and wouldnt start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter,they announced that the affair had been going on for 2 years and that they were in love.
Can you help im desperate!!!

Dear Reader,the most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the cause its usually the alternator.
Hope my advice helps,Jim.

lol

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.

~

I've just been arrested for stealing full-stops. I'm expecting a lengthy sentence.

~

Little Jimmy's mum goes to his parents evening at school. All is fine, but his teacher says that he won't stop talking to the girls.
His mum replies, if you find a solution, can you let me know, I have the same problem with his dad.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

LMAO @ some of them!

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ... Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, i done it an all!